Potty Mouth Training

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

POTTY MOUTH TRAINING


Potty Mouth Training: The process by which a foul mouthed four letter word loving woman finally realizes that her potty mouth is like her can of aerosol hairspray from the 80's,sadly outdated, slightly toxic and an environmental hazard. She decides to clean up her potty mouth and learn to speak the universal language of mommy. For some, the transition is effortless (we don't know any of these women). For others, it is a much more slow and painful process as they lose words like shit and damn from their vocabulary and replace them with the more child friendly words like poop and darn.

There's no doubt about it, as mothers, we're obsessed with potty training. DVD's videos, dvds, books, spend a small fortune on pull ups, portable potties and, if we've really gone over the edge, even break into a song and dance routine when our toddlers manage a poopy in the potty. (admit it, you know you've done it at least once or twice).

As fascinated as we are by the traditional type of potty training, there's another kind that's forgotten about, never written about and quite simply, never even acknowledged. Frankly, we feel it's much more challenging than teaching your child to make a doo doo in the Dora Potty you spent $29.99 on. No, we, the working moms are the ones who need a little help in this area. By the time we need to be potty mouth trained, we're sleep deprived, overwhelmed, overworked, and exhausted. Learn a new language, yeah, add it to my to-do list. But trust us on this one, it's a to-do that must be done.

If you're new to the mommy game, you probably think you have some time before your little angel starts picking up the devilish dialogue of her mommy and you need to start cleaning up your act (as well as ten diapers a day). Guess again. Get on the potty mouth program before it's too late. Just because that beautiful little baby of yours can't speak yet, doesn't mean she's not hearing every single curse that comes streaming out of your mouth.
But it doesn't end there. Sanitizing your gutter mouth is only the first of many steps involved in potty mouth training. It's kind of like infancy all over again - you need to re-tool, re-work and relearn so many things. Some are not so bad - there was a time when I was terrified of bugs. I'd literally hyperventilate at the sight of a spider and cringe at anything that was remotely creepy crawly. But now, in an effort to make sure my kids don't inherit the arachnaphobia of their mother, I'm a superstar squisher, caterpillar catcher and hermit crab hunter.
Bugs, I can learn to deal with. Some things are a bit more of a struggle. In my life B. C. (that's before children for those who are new to this)- I loved nothing more than curling up on the couch with a glass (or two or three- come on, who am I kidding) of chianti as I spent a Sunday afternoon holding my very own foreign film festival. I'd spend hours watching French women driven to insanity by some sexy guy they had a one night stand with. No time to watch Rodin ravage Camille Claudelle these days. Today, my film festivals are more like a parade of Disney princesses.

So here's to relearning and rethinking a few things as we become mothers. While you may miss your old life sometimes, just remember - watching your language and the occasional hand puppet on Noggin is a small price to pay for watching your children grow.